Sexually Me

Okay, you can call this a lame post. I'll own that. But I watched this again today. And no matter how many times I see this video, it still just seems so poignant & really... so cool. It brings to mind all of these philosophical ideas, and something that you could sit around for hours talking about. I love any kind of media that pushes the envelope like this, and creates more questions than answers. And for those that want more, please stay tuned.

My Dear Readers: Please be aware that this post has a dark tone. After so much time away from here, I'm sure that you were all hoping for something fun, light-hearted & even witty. I had hoped the same thing. That being said, I'm warning you now that you might desire to skip over this post, and wait for lighter times. I wish it were a day of productivity & enjoyment in the little things. Instead, it's a day of despair & the feeling of hopelessness. Why? Because Monday night, K & I agreed to terms for a trial separation. Strangely, it was not due to my bisexuality. It was due to my fear of honesty. To the truth. And therefore, lies fueled this action. Yes, they were my lies. I clung to them even in the face of incontrovertible proof, like the security blanket I had as a child. Maybe that's part of the impetus, in that I don't have a blanket of such making in adulthood. Regardless, the fact remains that the current circumstances are my doing

X-mas Stocking Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . Recently, Mark challenged me to make a return to HNT as part of his ongoing campaign to get me to post more often. Of course, I'm usually trying to bare my soul, not my body, in this blog. But 'tis the season, I suppose, and if a half-nekkid picture of me is what Mark is hoping for from Santa this year, who am I to deny him? You'll notice that my stocking is... hung. I'll leave it to your imagination what it will be filled with on Christmas morning... Do you think I was more naughty or nice?

I could give you all many reasons or excuses for my absence. Honestly, I don't have any that are good enough to quell that incessant need in all of us to know "what kept you"? So let's just assume it's water under the bridge & move on. Most of you are aware that I've been going to therapy. And for the little amount that I pay each week, it's amazing the benefit that I'm reaping. I think part of it is due to my willingness to learn & grow. I think another part is that I didn't go into it with any preconceived notions. Mostly, I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about everything . No holding back. Cover the gamut of my sexual issues. Finally try to let some of it all go. So when my birthday passed during Thanksgiving week, and my father didn't so much as call or transmit a "Happy Birthday", I'll be honest that I was pretty crushed. But as I'm wont to do, I didn't talk about it much, and tried to just l

So despite my absence on the blogging scene, I've been doing well. Okay, well is a relative term, but I've been doing much better than I could have hoped or expected in this juncture of my life. Lately, it's been boosted by a simple medication. But that's for another post. This is more about how even though I'm feeling much better than I could have ever hoped at times, there are pronounced & profound moments where previous guilt & feelings of shame resurface. Making me feel in many ways, lost or wishing that I had made better choices in my life. Choices that wouldn't have hurt some of those that I hold most dear. How or what causes this you might ask? A few words, composed in a lyrical fashion, accompanied by almost haunting melodies, and sung with a level of anguish & raw context that it nearly makes me cry. I can't say that I really knew the name James Blunt before last night. But now that I do, I feel like I'm just starting my j

I have tons of respect for incredible men like Nate or even Mark , who from my perspective, seem to write about their daily travails with ease. Well, ease is the wrong word, but I only wish I could let the words flow that freely. You already know that I hide. You already know that I sequester myself within my mind. You already know that I have miles of swampy wilderness to navigate. Whenever I start to write a post, I feel that it's very much like removing a vital part of myself. I cut it out, often with a less than sharp instrument, and then toss it unceremoniously upon the examination table. I then dissect it into many tiny pieces, inspecting each, trying to understand how they comprise the whole. And the entire time, I have you looking over my shoulder. And yes, this was of my own choosing, hoping that somehow the process has taught someone, anyone, something. Maybe help them navigate these waters more easily. I can only hope that a Magellan of the mind is charting the