MY Wife Speaks

So, I've been toying with the idea of writing a guest post for Ben for a while now. I actually started one, and then deleted half of it and started over, and then I got hit with some writers' block. It's still sitting, half-written on my laptop. But then Mark posted, questioning why more wives don't talk about the issues inherent in being married to a bisexual man, and whether he intended it or not, I felt like it was a kick in the ass. So while I obviously can't speak for everyone, I can at least share why I will blog about my kid and my friends and the fun parts of my relationship with my husband, but I won't blog about this.

For one, if I talk about it, it means admitting that this is not something that will go away. Obviously, I know that it's not going away, whether I talk about it or not. But putting it out there for everyone to see, so that everyone knows about my private pains, makes it somehow more real. It means that for the time I spend committing words to paper, and for as long as people read those words and comment on them, I am reminded that my marriage is no longer what I thought it was, and that I'm still struggling to define what it is now.

Secondly, as Nate so eloquently put it, what is read cannot be unread. And there are times when my thoughts towards my husband are not particularly charitable. Yet, I know that he is struggling, as many of you are. So, while, yes, I deserve an outlet just as much as he does, I don't want to hurt him by putting something out there that will make him feel any worse than he already does. I have to consider that what I say has a lasting impact on him and where we go from here.

Then there is the fact that while I learn a lot from your blogs, I don't know what you could learn from me. You know that when we find out that you're bisexual, we're hurt, and confused, and tortured about what this will mean to the lives we thought we were building with you. You know that when you cheat on us, you're doing something that you can't take back and which will likely hurt us more than the fact of your bisexuality. You know that when you lie to us and hide from us, you risk causing more damage to the relationship than if you were honest with us and dealt with the consequences up front. You don't need me to tell you that. So I don't know if I really have any new insights for you.

And finally, sometimes the wound is just too raw to be dragged out and discussed, particularly when you're unsure of the reception. I have spoken with some of the readers of Ben's blog via e-mail or instant message, and they understand my feelings, as I understand theirs. But speaking with someone one-on-one is a very different thing from opening up to the general public about issues of sexuality within a marriage. I don't feel comfortable talking about something that has caused me more than one sleepless night, knowing that there are some people who will judge me and how I am handling this marital rough spot. This has been difficult enough without having a bunch of people weighing in on how well/poorly I am dealing with it.

So while I understand why getting the wives' perspectives out there is so important, I don't know that I'm up to the task. I want to be. I want to help, particularly if it means one other couple can navigate this more easily than Ben and I have done. But for now, I'm doing what I can.