Where to start?
Ah, that's right. A few months ago, things were dire. And as I was to learn, it was mostly a scare tactic. But let me be clear, and not come across as a total buffoon... it was a necessary scare tactic.
I lied to K. And while one instance of that isn't horrendous, it's the pattern that has been woven over the last 10 years of our relationship. If something were to be discovered that I had been hiding, usually something tied to my sexuality or the things that I perceived as being "unusual", my instinct was to lie.
Find a convincing cover story.
Until of course my intuitive wife would pry the truth out of me, making me feel that I wouldn't be judged. And I wasn't. To say that she's an amazing person falls far short of the truth.
Anyhow, this last transgression was her proverbial last straw of just coping with the pattern of my lies. So she called my bluff. And she went all in. And while I didn't want to fold with what I had committed to the pot, ultimately, there was no way that I wanted to win.
So I came clean. I explained my motives, the reasoning behind my lying no matter how irrational, and started the journey of reparations. In the process, I learned more about myself,. I also made steps to try & figure out the trauma in my life that has caused me to become so secretive. So secluded in my feelings.
I won't get into all of the details now, but I started going to RET (Rapid Eye Technology/Therapy), which is a type of subconscious reprogramming of the mind. It's "very trippy shit" as my guide says... but it works. (And no, it's not brain washing. More like a mind cleansing.) More on that later. And along with that, I started going to Life Skills Classes which work hand-in-hand with the RET sessions to try & bring your whole mental being into better focus. Confusing to write in words, but amazingly cool to go through, and to figure out how our energy fits into the whole.
So while I didn't jump back into the "therapy" pool, I made some steps to repair the damage of self. And before you think I took a mis-step in not going back to therapy, it was probably one of my best decisions of the time, and I still feel the same way. Basically, after a year of therapy, I got tired. Not of just going through the mental motions of figuring things out, but of being in the mind set of "what do I still need to fix?" It becomes mentally draining in so many ways. So after those 12 months, I wanted out. Not permanently, but at least to let my mind settle. To return back to a place that I was once again receptive to the learning & growth process. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's the reasoning.
And as far as K:
We defined some things.
We talked a lot.
Lines were drawn.
And after 2 weeks of feeling totally vulnerable & conflicted, I was granted access back to our bed.
That doesn't mean that we had sex or anything right away. Hell, I'm not sure how long it was, but at least I was doing what needed to be done, to show that I wasn't giving up on us, or on what had been built in the last 10 years.
So in a nutshell, the atomic blast is over. The fallout will take a while to deal with, and will require a large effort to clean up. But I'm working on it, and I think that's the biggest piece of the puzzle right now.