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Location: Mesa, Arizona, United States

Bisexual married man, with a supportine & understanding wife. Trying to figure out how to be bisexual without conflicting with my vows & relationship.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Denouement

Pronunciation

Where to start?

Ah, that's right. A few months ago, things were dire. And as I was to learn, it was mostly a scare tactic. But let me be clear, and not come across as a total buffoon... it was a necessary scare tactic.

I lied to K. And while one instance of that isn't horrendous, it's the pattern that has been woven over the last 10 years of our relationship. If something were to be discovered that I had been hiding, usually something tied to my sexuality or the things that I perceived as being "unusual", my instinct was to lie.

Backtrack.
Cover up.
Find a convincing cover story.
Move on.
Rinse, repeat.

Until of course my intuitive wife would pry the truth out of me, making me feel that I wouldn't be judged. And I wasn't. To say that she's an amazing person falls far short of the truth.

Anyhow, this last transgression was her proverbial last straw of just coping with the pattern of my lies. So she called my bluff. And she went all in. And while I didn't want to fold with what I had committed to the pot, ultimately, there was no way that I wanted to win.

So I came clean. I explained my motives, the reasoning behind my lying no matter how irrational, and started the journey of reparations. In the process, I learned more about myself,. I also made steps to try & figure out the trauma in my life that has caused me to become so secretive. So secluded in my feelings.

I won't get into all of the details now, but I started going to RET (Rapid Eye Technology/Therapy), which is a type of subconscious reprogramming of the mind. It's "very trippy shit" as my guide says... but it works. (And no, it's not brain washing. More like a mind cleansing.) More on that later. And along with that, I started going to Life Skills Classes which work hand-in-hand with the RET sessions to try & bring your whole mental being into better focus. Confusing to write in words, but amazingly cool to go through, and to figure out how our energy fits into the whole.

So while I didn't jump back into the "therapy" pool, I made some steps to repair the damage of self. And before you think I took a mis-step in not going back to therapy, it was probably one of my best decisions of the time, and I still feel the same way. Basically, after a year of therapy, I got tired. Not of just going through the mental motions of figuring things out, but of being in the mind set of "what do I still need to fix?" It becomes mentally draining in so many ways. So after those 12 months, I wanted out. Not permanently, but at least to let my mind settle. To return back to a place that I was once again receptive to the learning & growth process. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's the reasoning.

And as far as K:
We defined some things.
We talked a lot.
Lines were drawn.
And after 2 weeks of feeling totally vulnerable & conflicted, I was granted access back to our bed.

That doesn't mean that we had sex or anything right away. Hell, I'm not sure how long it was, but at least I was doing what needed to be done, to show that I wasn't giving up on us, or on what had been built in the last 10 years.

So in a nutshell, the atomic blast is over. The fallout will take a while to deal with, and will require a large effort to clean up. But I'm working on it, and I think that's the biggest piece of the puzzle right now.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Savin' Me

Okay, you can call this a lame post. I'll own that.

But I watched this again today.



And no matter how many times I see this video, it still just seems so poignant & really... so cool. It brings to mind all of these philosophical ideas, and something that you could sit around for hours talking about. I love any kind of media that pushes the envelope like this, and creates more questions than answers.

And for those that want more, please stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Lies

My Dear Readers: Please be aware that this post has a dark tone. After so much time away from here, I'm sure that you were all hoping for something fun, light-hearted & even witty. I had hoped the same thing. That being said, I'm warning you now that you might desire to skip over this post, and wait for lighter times.
I wish it were a day of productivity & enjoyment in the little things. Instead, it's a day of despair & the feeling of hopelessness. Why? Because Monday night, K & I agreed to terms for a trial separation. Strangely, it was not due to my bisexuality.

It was due to my fear of honesty.
To the truth.
And therefore, lies fueled this action.

Yes, they were my lies. I clung to them even in the face of incontrovertible proof, like the security blanket I had as a child. Maybe that's part of the impetus, in that I don't have a blanket of such making in adulthood. Regardless, the fact remains that the current circumstances are my doing. And sometimes, I feel like I don't remember how to breathe. I feel like I'm floating through existence, unsure of where to turn or what to do next.

I can only hope that I find my way through this, and that the hurt will slowly recede so that I can try to do something constructive.

I have no idea what that is just yet.
Maybe faith will guide me.
I hope.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

HNT: 'Tis The Season

X-mas Stocking
X-mas Stocking
Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn".
Recently, Mark challenged me to make a return to HNT as part of his ongoing campaign to get me to post more often. Of course, I'm usually trying to bare my soul, not my body, in this blog. But 'tis the season, I suppose, and if a half-nekkid picture of me is what Mark is hoping for from Santa this year, who am I to deny him? You'll notice that my stocking is... hung. I'll leave it to your imagination what it will be filled with on Christmas morning...

Do you think I was more naughty or nice?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Horizons

I could give you all many reasons or excuses for my absence. Honestly, I don't have any that are good enough to quell that incessant need in all of us to know "what kept you"? So let's just assume it's water under the bridge & move on.

Most of you are aware that I've been going to therapy. And for the little amount that I pay each week, it's amazing the benefit that I'm reaping. I think part of it is due to my willingness to learn & grow. I think another part is that I didn't go into it with any preconceived notions. Mostly, I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about everything.

No holding back.
Cover the gamut of my sexual issues.
Finally try to let some of it all go.

So when my birthday passed during Thanksgiving week, and my father didn't so much as call or transmit a "Happy Birthday", I'll be honest that I was pretty crushed. But as I'm wont to do, I didn't talk about it much, and tried to just let it pass. If you know me at all, you know how well that worked. Particularly when K asked me about it later that day. Still, I tried not to let it bug me too much.

Push it to the side.
Deal with it later.
Pretend it wasn't there.

Then the next morning, I found myself driving with my Mom for some errand or other, and she asked me how I felt. And the burning hot pain of angst reared it's ugly head.

I was hurt.
Still am.
And somehow I have to deal with that.
Somehow, I have to try & not expect so much from someone who seemingly cares so little.

I'm not doing so well.

But I've noticed of late, that the more I'm dealing with my past revolving around the subtle brainwashing inflicted by my father, the more I'm starting to feel the emotion rise to the surface. The more I'm starting to feel the hot searing pain in my throat. The more I'm starting to see just how much I missed a real relationship with a father figure. And as hard as it is, and as much as I try to reject dealing with it, it's still helping. Because with feeling the emotion more, I'm getting closer to dealing with it all, and finally, just maybe, seeing a new horizon without his influence.

So why did I bore you with all of this? Well, I realized last week that I need to share more. Even if for myself, I've found that when I write my thoughts out, whether it's long-hand, in Word, or here, it helps. And after all, this site is more about me.

Oh, and giving you all a good train wreck to enjoy. And I love you for being there to share in the misery. I'll try to lighten the mood soon. After all, the holidays deserve it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Broken Asunder

So despite my absence on the blogging scene, I've been doing well. Okay, well is a relative term, but I've been doing much better than I could have hoped or expected in this juncture of my life. Lately, it's been boosted by a simple medication. But that's for another post.

This is more about how even though I'm feeling much better than I could have ever hoped at times, there are pronounced & profound moments where previous guilt & feelings of shame resurface. Making me feel in many ways, lost or wishing that I had made better choices in my life. Choices that wouldn't have hurt some of those that I hold most dear.

How or what causes this you might ask? A few words, composed in a lyrical fashion, accompanied by almost haunting melodies, and sung with a level of anguish & raw context that it nearly makes me cry. I can't say that I really knew the name James Blunt before last night. But now that I do, I feel like I'm just starting my journey of healing. Which is both good in that I still recognize I'm far from perfect & have plenty to work on. And bad, in that my progress can be measured along the yard stick of my mental health in fractions.

And before you just label me as being "melodramatic", which wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility based on some of my history, please listen, and tell me what emotions it extracts from you.



It's real.
It's raw.
It's poignant.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Lost in the Wilderness

I have tons of respect for incredible men like Nate or even Mark, who from my perspective, seem to write about their daily travails with ease. Well, ease is the wrong word, but I only wish I could let the words flow that freely.

You already know that I hide.
You already know that I sequester myself within my mind.
You already know that I have miles of swampy wilderness to navigate.

Whenever I start to write a post, I feel that it's very much like removing a vital part of myself. I cut it out, often with a less than sharp instrument, and then toss it unceremoniously upon the examination table. I then dissect it into many tiny pieces, inspecting each, trying to understand how they comprise the whole. And the entire time, I have you looking over my shoulder. And yes, this was of my own choosing, hoping that somehow the process has taught someone, anyone, something. Maybe help them navigate these waters more easily. I can only hope that a Magellan of the mind is charting these waters, otherwise I might feel that the journey is hopeless.

After all of this, I try to reassemble and reintegrate that vital piece of myself, hopefully with a new found understanding. But much like putting together a new desk, or working on a car, I'm left with "extra parts". With luck, those parts are extraneous anyway. Yet the process remains as painful, and laborious as the times before.

So, I'm lost.
I'm hiding.
And often thoroughly confused.

And while I'm making significant forward progress, I'm often times left to wonder if I'm traveling in circles. Or if I'm really getting closer to my destination, albeit in a circuitous fashion.

Then again... haven't I seen that tree before?



So thank you my friends for hanging in there, and giving me the time that I needed to get myself together again.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Without Judgment

Throughout therapy, things have been expected of me, like homework if you will. Some of it is to help push me towards understanding. Some of it is to move me out of my comfort zone.

Several months ago, after stating that I don't always feel "normal" being bisexual, my therapist mentioned that it might be a good idea to look into finding a support group. I thought it was an interesting idea. And my first instinct was to consider if there were even any groups like that in Phoenix. I mean, it's not like it's San Francisco or something. But it was an interesting idea.

The next day, in a moment of Google-itis, I found an answer. Damn you, Google! Just when I figured I wouldn't have to change or grow.

And in the top of the search was a link to an Arizona chapter of BiNet.

So let's flash forward to the night of the social.
I was apprehensive.
Nervous.
Afraid of meeting "crazy people".
Okay. I had no idea of who I would meet there.
But I considered backing out a few times.
But then I'd have to deal with the guilt of "quitting".
[I hate my sub-conscious sometimes.]

I had the expectation to keep my head low. Not contribute much. Stay "guarded". Well, that lasted all of about 5 minutes. A couple showed up shortly after the start time, and they were very similar to K & I. I mean, it's almost scary how close to us they are, in both story & experiences.

Right away, she started in with the pointy questions. The same kind of questions I had hoped to avoid by staying quiet. So my cover was blown. I could no longer be the ambiguous guy at the end of table. No longer the "curious" one, or the "uncertain" one. And it ended up being an enjoyable evening. I found a group of people that were in similar shoes. Not all of them had it "all figured out". But many of them knew more about themselves than I did. Were able to accept things better than I could.

And it was refreshing.
The jungle seemed a little bit brighter.
A little less intimidating.

And ultimately, I might have found a few people that I could be friends with.

Without pretense.
Without secrets.
Without guilt.
And without judgment.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Exhaustion

Yeah, I suck. Or I have. And still would. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about my lack of content here on Sexually Me.

And now that I've had an anonymous poster say that, "u really need to update this bad-boy", here I am. Who knew it was that easy? Just needed an anonymous comment... kidding.

Anyhow, back to the main point. Yes, I suck. And when I say I've been busy, I wish there were some easy to understand sliding scale displaying just how busy I've been. Let's just say that sleep is my long lost friend, who's been on a long trip to Antarctica. And if I'm lucky, their plane gets back sometime this weekend, and I'll be able to "catch up". Is it as bad as it sounds? Yeah, and possibly worse.

Needless to say, I honestly feel like a shell of my former self. There are times that I do something innocuous, like kneel on the floor to pick up some of my son's toys, and the thought crosses my mind to just lie down right there & pass out. Now granted, this has lessened a lot in the last week. I'm now getting some more sleep, but still not enough. With luck, this holiday weekend will help all of that. I hope.

Anyhow, to give you all a brief update on my activities for the last 2 1/2 months, and items of note:
  • I took on a huge consulting web project, that in many ways appeared to be something that could inevitably help launch me on the path of working for myself full-time.

  • I went on a vacation to visit my family in Upstate NY, but it ended up being a working vacation. And didn't very well resemble a vacation due to the family drama that was bound to ensue.

  • Add the two items above, and I didn't get nearly the relaxation that I needed.

  • While on vacation, I was offered & accepted a new full-time job that was too good to pass up, but only after having to deal with a neurotic recruiter.

  • I started working part-time for the new job during the second week of my two-week notice.

  • Then I started full-time with the new job.

  • I still had some things to finish up on the old job, because I care about the people, and my integrity is important to me.

  • The web project was still on-going.

  • Another consulting project that had been in a hold pattern for a bit, ramped up again, on top of all of the other things. But the money was seriously worth it.

  • The new job's requirements for programming are immense, fun & challenging. I'm loving it more than I can say... if it weren't for the stuff that I'm still trying to wrap up.

  • The web project is still going, but given a bit of luck, I'll be done by the end of next week, and I can't wait to wash my hands of the whole thing.

  • I've learned more about myself & how I want to operate my consulting than I have in the last 6 years of my consulting.

  • K & I were pregnant.

  • K & I miscarried.

  • I'm worried about K's health above all else.

  • K & I will find a way to move on, and still have the family that we want. After some healing.

  • I've never been more tired in my memorable life than in the last 6 weeks.

  • I want to stop & smell the roses once in a while.

  • I want to stop & sleep once in a while.

  • I want to figure out my life, and not feel so lost all of the time.

  • I want to write more, among other things, to serve as a way to disconnect from my "job".

So much for a short list of items. And that's just a brief glimpse in my life.

This post is also rather innocuous in the grand scheme of things, and where my head is at. But I'll get to the more juicy stuff. I have to. It's been needing to get out. And I've had several posts swimming in my head, while I've written this one.

Stay tuned, and thank you dear readers, all 6 of you, for hanging in there during my absense.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I'm Not Dead

For those of you that might have wondered, I'm not dead. At least not totally.

As a quick recap, I was incredibly busy two weeks before I left for my "official vacation". You know the drill. "Hey, before you go can you...?" Multiply that by 3 or 4 since the teammate that used to take care of all of those items has been gone for about a month (thank G*d), and he never really did anything that competently anyway. So I therefore have to figure out what he did, how he screwed it up, correct it, and then produce the correct results. To that end, saying that I have been busy is a drastic understatement. So I got all that I could done before leaving on vacation.

Then after doing the West to East Coast travel insanity involving 3 planes, an extra 30 minutes in the air due to weather, 2 layovers, one of which was extended by over an hour for more weather, and another that was a rushed 3/4 mile dash from one plane to another, encompassing a grand total of about 10+ hours... yeah, I was tired. And much to my chagrin, a good part of the vacation involved a stepbrother visiting with his new girlfriend and her three incredibly challenging kids due to a lack of attention on her part. (Uninvolved parenting took on an entirely new dimension that week.) Then cooking preparations for my stepfather's 50th birthday party started, which took almost 2 full days. But we ate like the King of Kings. Amazing. In between all of that, I was doing my level best to work on my consulting regardless of whether I had planned to get some R&R. Also decided on taking a new job by the end of July, which is great for us, but involved several phone calls with a neurotic recruiter. I mean, seriously. I said I'd take the job. How could that mean that I'm not that "excited" about it?

All in all, it was a great vacation, but entirely way too short, and involved way too many ties to my current busy schedule & life. At least I was able to get a bit more sleep than if I was home, and I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my family.

So that's where I've been. Sorry to disappear, and expect much more from me in the coming days & weeks.