Horizons

I could give you all many reasons or excuses for my absence. Honestly, I don't have any that are good enough to quell that incessant need in all of us to know "what kept you"? So let's just assume it's water under the bridge & move on.

Most of you are aware that I've been going to therapy. And for the little amount that I pay each week, it's amazing the benefit that I'm reaping. I think part of it is due to my willingness to learn & grow. I think another part is that I didn't go into it with any preconceived notions. Mostly, I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about everything.

No holding back.
Cover the gamut of my sexual issues.
Finally try to let some of it all go.

So when my birthday passed during Thanksgiving week, and my father didn't so much as call or transmit a "Happy Birthday", I'll be honest that I was pretty crushed. But as I'm wont to do, I didn't talk about it much, and tried to just let it pass. If you know me at all, you know how well that worked. Particularly when K asked me about it later that day. Still, I tried not to let it bug me too much.

Push it to the side.
Deal with it later.
Pretend it wasn't there.

Then the next morning, I found myself driving with my Mom for some errand or other, and she asked me how I felt. And the burning hot pain of angst reared it's ugly head.

I was hurt.
Still am.
And somehow I have to deal with that.
Somehow, I have to try & not expect so much from someone who seemingly cares so little.

I'm not doing so well.

But I've noticed of late, that the more I'm dealing with my past revolving around the subtle brainwashing inflicted by my father, the more I'm starting to feel the emotion rise to the surface. The more I'm starting to feel the hot searing pain in my throat. The more I'm starting to see just how much I missed a real relationship with a father figure. And as hard as it is, and as much as I try to reject dealing with it, it's still helping. Because with feeling the emotion more, I'm getting closer to dealing with it all, and finally, just maybe, seeing a new horizon without his influence.

So why did I bore you with all of this? Well, I realized last week that I need to share more. Even if for myself, I've found that when I write my thoughts out, whether it's long-hand, in Word, or here, it helps. And after all, this site is more about me.

Oh, and giving you all a good train wreck to enjoy. And I love you for being there to share in the misery. I'll try to lighten the mood soon. After all, the holidays deserve it.