Sexually Me

I know that I haven't posted very recently. And it's eating at me. Because I do feel a certain amount of responsibility to you all. To try & force myself to share more of what I'm going through, and therefore help myself along the path of healing & understanding. At the same time, I started this for me, and right now, I'm feeling very vulnerable. In the past few weeks, there have been highs & lows . But mostly lows. And of late, I've been feeling even more lost that usual, and even thinking that a good cry might just help. Help me release some of the build-up. Some of the trapped emotion that I don't let go of very easily. I don't know. I might just sleep it off too. It's hard to say. The primary source for this high-level of emotion, uncertainty & depression? Well, K has been out of town since Tuesday. She returns late Wednesday, so the wait is almost over. But until then, I have too many thoughts. Too many worries. Too many q

So two Tuesdays ago, I divulged some of my secrets to another party. And amazingly the walls & ceiling didn't collapse upon me. Yet my heart rate was nearly palpitous, and I felt at any minute that the other shoe might drop. Then I'd be sitting there feeling rejected, shunned, and judged. And this is the root of my fear... at least as far as I can tell right now. The person I discussed this with was my therapist, Lisa. We hadn't touched on all of my "issues" yet, but I had alluded to them... many times. I almost waved a banner every time I'd reference the topic, but knew we didn't have time to discuss it. And now that she's real person number five to be aware of my personal challenge, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Rather, I feel fine now , but afterwards, I was spun out. For several days. (And please, my friends, don't be offended, but there's something different to knowing a real live person that I interact with is aware