Awareness
The person I discussed this with was my therapist, Lisa. We hadn't touched on all of my "issues" yet, but I had alluded to them... many times. I almost waved a banner every time I'd reference the topic, but knew we didn't have time to discuss it. And now that she's real person number five to be aware of my personal challenge, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Rather, I feel fine now, but afterwards, I was spun out. For several days. (And please, my friends, don't be offended, but there's something different to knowing a real live person that I interact with is aware of my personal truth.)
I had the unique opportunity to talk with S shortly after my session, and I still couldn't really put it into words. Even now, I'm grasping at straws as to how to say it, or even what to say here. It's just very hard for me. And with the next session, I found out that it's a normal feeling.
As I was talking the situation out with her, I mentioned that being bisexual wasn't something that I grew up with and had to address as I moved into adulthood. It's been more of a slow awakening over the last 5-10 years, or thereabouts. I mean, yes, there were a few signs, and things that I questioned about myself, but never any feelings that made me want to scream out, "I'm gay." Or anything that I really dealt with through my formative years. It was only after being married that my mind started to register this awareness. In fact, part of me can draw lines to specific points in my history that while they may not be things that started the ball rolling, they certainly stick out as things that pushed me in the direction I traveled over recent years.
One such instance was when I read the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. It was written by Anne Rice, long before her Interview with the Vampire fame, written under the pseudonym of A. N. Roquelaure. Within the first book or two, an explicit act of a male steward servicing another man orally, a slave at that, distinctly stands out in my memory. The slave was bound, gagged & immobilized, and all he could do was take the forbidden pleasure being granted.
What shocks me, even shames me in a way, was the hypocrisy with which I viewed male homosexual sex. My small exposure to it prior to my awakening, was one of revulsion & just not understanding what was so good about it. Not that I judged others that indulged in it, but that I couldn't understand the reasoning, or even the pleasure to be had. Mind you, this didn't stop me from exploring my own anal play in various & assorted ways, but for some reason, I couldn't connect the dots as to what the men got out of their acts. Their perversity.
Back to my exposure of the Beauty saga, and I couldn't help but be drawn, again & again to that scene that was so luridly detailed. Part of me wanted to feel the helplessness of being bound, and having to endure or succumb to whatever torments my captors subjected upon my flesh. Yet, even more so, I was drawn to the role of the steward, and wanting to be upon my knees, servicing the hapless victim with abandon. And ultimately, to be rewarded with a job well done, by swallowing his essence.
Now, this transition wasn't immediate, yet it was one of the first in which I could ultimately see myself wanting to try out the firmness of a man.
So where am I going with all of this? I don't know. I have now expanded my world of truth to my therapist. I didn't grow up with the knowledge of my possible bisexuality, and therefore, my growth is very far behind that of someone who knew they were gay before the age of 12. I don't have that experience, nor did I need to go through the growing pains during the years of schooling. And while I don't envy the torment I can only imagine some of my peers had to endure, I also do envy the fact that their education & growing to be comfortable with who they are, started long before my fantasy world started to unfold.
So mostly... I feel bare.
Raw.
Stripped of my protective armor.
Much like a child of 12.
This is in essence why I have so much trouble being comfortable with myself. And I know that this will be something that I will struggle with for a while to come. I know that it's a necessary step, and only time will brings the answers I crave. But then, I just wish I could get the Cliff Notes version, and be able to move on with my life, and just feel better.
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