Stream of Consciousness

I alluded to this post earlier in the week, and you'll find it below. I drafted this on the evening that I gave K a very personal note relating to the situation that I put us in. As I was waiting for her to wake from a nap, and read it, my mind wandered into this topic, which I've visited many times internally. I'm going to include the writing as it came from my notepad (grammatical & spelling errors corrected of course), and then I'll comment on some of it. I realized as I was typing it up that the statements aren't wholly true, or that my reactions to them are different now.

Of all of my posts thus far, I think this is the first that is starting a conversation in which I'd love to hear others' opinions. Enjoy, and please feel free to comment.

Somewhere, we're exposed to the fact that men think about sex every 2.5 seconds. Or maybe it's 5.5 or 6.5? Who knows? I know that I fit whatever metric very well. And some days, that is an average adjusted for the entire year.

I think about sex. A lot. I see a pretty woman & I think about sex. Not necessarily with her. Okay, my mind might see it with her, but then the rational part kicks in & knows that it would never happen. Also that I've never been the conquest type, so it wouldn't fit with who I am. 'Cuz let's face it. Sex is good, but it's best when there is an emotional connection. When you care about the recipient getting their pleasure, and you're not just focused on your own (at least for me), it becomes better than just sex.

Which leads me to the question of why I'm so consumed with thoughts of sex. I'd like to think that there are many people in the world that think about sex as much as I do. But at the same time, I'm pretty convinced that we're part of the minority. I mean, if we weren't, wouldn't we hear about lewd behavior & arrests a lot more? Maybe not. Maybe everyone just knows how to fuck their brains out behind closed doors. Who knows?

So back to me. Why do I think about it so much? I know that if I were to try & STOP thinking about it, I'd fail miserably. Not because I don't have willpower, but because I think about it SOOO much. Hell, I can see sexual objects just about anywhere that I look. I can imagine sexual scenarios about anywhere. And often times, with anyone. It makes me think I'm the proverbial Brian Kinney, without the obvious sex appeal, nor the ability to get whomever he wants.

So where does this fit in with K? As it stands, I masturbate once a day, at least. Without it, I feel stressed. I end up feeling "unfulfilled". The only times that I go to sleep without sexual gratification is when exhaustion takes my body before I do. So, for the majority of our relationship, I have take things in-hand every night that we haven't had sex...

Minor correction: I don't always stroke one out every day. It's fairly regular, but the more tired I am, the more I'm able to just go to sleep because at those times, I need it more than any physical satisfaction. At the same time, if I find that I can't go to sleep very well, there's nothing like a good orgasm (not great, but good) that will help me drift off.

Has anyone else found themselves with consuming thoughts like this, that can sometimes be turned off, but for the most part, you just find that they're turned on? Kind of like the A/C in Arizona during the summer. It's always on. It may not be running full bore, but you know that soon enough, it'll be blasting.