Pain

It days like this, when I'm feeling great & think that I'm getting a lot accomplished, when something like this, will grab ahold and shake the ever loving be-jebus out of me.

I too, have shared in some of the feelings of finality. Thinking about my life drip away, as I watch the stain grow on the carpet. Or sliding into the peaceful slumber of the last deep sleep. And when those thoughts arrive, I pull myself back from the brink, shake myself awake, and hurt more for the loss that I would inflict on those I love, more than alleviate the hurt that I feel.

Reading about the trials & tribulations of others, bubbles up the pain that I know is lurking just beneath the surface. That emotion that's tightly held in check. For if the beast is let out of the cage, I fear that it will enjoy it's freedom too much. Needless to say, work isn't the best place for this kind of "awakening".

So I sit here, and hold it back. And I know it's going to be worse at some point. But I'd rather choose the time & place that I can deal with these emotions. I'd rather find a quiet time that the world isn't weighing in on me, and I can take a collective sigh, and let some of it pour out. The sad part, is that I don't know when that time might be.

I'm responsible for many things, and not often do I have time to myself to reflect on the pain, and really hold it up to the light. And it's not always easy to bare the raw parts of yourself to anyone, much less your loved one. And that is how I have handled much of my life. By running, hiding, or holding back.

K asked me some today in IM that may shed some more light on my apprehensiveness to share about myself.

Excerpt from IM: Today @ 12:12pm
K: So, can I ask you a question?
K: Is it because you know that I now read your blog that you're slow to open up about yourself? Or is it just that you're slow to open up in general?
Me: Slow in general.
Me: And sometimes, the idea of writing is more work than I'm willing to do at the time.
Me: Did you think I was being secretive because of you?
K: Not secretive. Afraid.
K: Or uncomfortable.
Me: No, it's not because of you. I mean, how hard has it been for me to tell you some of the stuff in my head, and we have a personal connection.
K: Well, that's why I wondered, because I would think that it would be easier to put some of it on paper (or internet), because it's directed at faceless people, if anyone.
Me: True... and it is. Part of it too, is that it's just hard in general for me to divulge anything about myself. I mean, even the post about my self-pleasure was difficult to do.
K: Okay....fair enough.
Me: Because while they're faceless people, they also have identities that I recognize online. I may not "know" them, but I've conversed with them, so it IS more personal. Sort of.
K: Right....but they also share some of your same desires.....so they understand you better than, say, I could.
Me: I know. But even so, while they may understand better, I'm afraid of judgement. Because it's what I dealt with all while growing up. I don't like to think that I've done something wrong, or badly. Because traditionally, it was met w/ harsh words, or punishment. So, while they may understand more, I'm also afraid of feeling outcast... again.
K: Okay. I think I understand.
Me: If it helps, I don't fully understand it myself.
Me: Hence, the counseling.