Raw
It's not often that you can come across words that evoke intense emotions, much less ones that can reach the heart. Whether you are actually in tune with the sentiment, or it just has such a fluidity or artful prose
As I read & continue to find incredibly heartfelt content on the web, particularly in our related blogosphere, I find my own feelings laid bare. Exposed to the elements & raw with emotion.
I like to think that this is one of the reasons that I started this blog. Sure, I'll admit that there is a perverse form of pleasure derived in knowing that people are reading my content, and having the illusion that some of them are taking away something of value.
At the same time, I know that my sharing has been very limited. Most of that is from being afraid. Afraid of being judged, even in this isolated nook of the web where few know me. Is it rational? No. But it's also another reason why I continue. The other part of me, which is admittedly small right now, is just happy in knowing that I'm getting my thoughts out. Whether it be on paper or electronic pixels. Part of me is being exposed. Part of me is being forced to evaluate & grow. And I know that I'll be better for it. Eventually.
I know that when I begin counseling in the next few weeks, some of the thoughts & observations that I have arrived by web reading will come to the forefront in my mind. Those thoughts will be even more prevalent if I share them here. With you? Sure. But more importantly, with myself. There's a certain amount of potential permanence to the web. I know that I could one day delete the entire blog, and walk away, never to be stared down by a hated blue screen of death. But the techno-geek in me knows that somewhere, somehow, my pages could live on for eternity in the Google-rific server farm. So with that eternal finality of myself, I'm left to face my own reality.
And as I continue to research the many facets of sexuality, and even get my own thoughts together for an outside opinion, I find vignets like this:
For a while now, I've felt this way about my own sexuality, only because it has been very fluid over my last 5 years. I'm not altogether happy about that because again, I've had to try & deal with the associated feelings. Particularly going from bi-interested, to bi-curious, to the full plunge of bisexual.
Regardless, I'm dealing. Maybe not as well as I could be, but then again who does?
As I read & continue to find incredibly heartfelt content on the web, particularly in our related blogosphere, I find my own feelings laid bare. Exposed to the elements & raw with emotion.
cp - Coming Out at 48
...sometimes a man has too much in his heart to keep in any longer. And sometimes a man needs to see the effect of what is in his heart on others, as a way to maintain his own sanity and balance, not to mention the sustenance that comes from another's knowledge, care and empathy.
I like to think that this is one of the reasons that I started this blog. Sure, I'll admit that there is a perverse form of pleasure derived in knowing that people are reading my content, and having the illusion that some of them are taking away something of value.
At the same time, I know that my sharing has been very limited. Most of that is from being afraid. Afraid of being judged, even in this isolated nook of the web where few know me. Is it rational? No. But it's also another reason why I continue. The other part of me, which is admittedly small right now, is just happy in knowing that I'm getting my thoughts out. Whether it be on paper or electronic pixels. Part of me is being exposed. Part of me is being forced to evaluate & grow. And I know that I'll be better for it. Eventually.
I know that when I begin counseling in the next few weeks, some of the thoughts & observations that I have arrived by web reading will come to the forefront in my mind. Those thoughts will be even more prevalent if I share them here. With you? Sure. But more importantly, with myself. There's a certain amount of potential permanence to the web. I know that I could one day delete the entire blog, and walk away, never to be stared down by a hated blue screen of death. But the techno-geek in me knows that somewhere, somehow, my pages could live on for eternity in the Google-rific server farm. So with that eternal finality of myself, I'm left to face my own reality.
And as I continue to research the many facets of sexuality, and even get my own thoughts together for an outside opinion, I find vignets like this:
chelsea Girl - pretty dumb things
I truly believe that a person’s sexuality is like a three-dimensional sliding scale. A human can move along the spectrum of hetero and homosexual acts, in and out of vanilla and rockyroad sex, up and down in levels of erotic desire. Judith Butler said that gender is fluid; I say that sexuality is. Ride the wave,
For a while now, I've felt this way about my own sexuality, only because it has been very fluid over my last 5 years. I'm not altogether happy about that because again, I've had to try & deal with the associated feelings. Particularly going from bi-interested, to bi-curious, to the full plunge of bisexual.
Regardless, I'm dealing. Maybe not as well as I could be, but then again who does?
Comments
You don't need to be afraid of sharing. You've done that quite easily in person. One of the other reasons I love blogging about my experiences/my life is that it's cathetic by nature. You can put what you're feeling out there. You may get it down in type and think "what the hell, that's not what I think?" or get blown away by your own thoughts. Plus you get the validation or condemnation of others. It all helps.
I agree with Chelsea Girl that sex and orientation canbe fluid. However, recognizing that and accepting that do not always make it easier in the situation you are in... as we both know.
I've been dealing with them fo rnearly 2 years in a very open and specific way, but that doesn't mean I've always handled it well.
Keep up with these posts!
As one who has managed to not really address these issues for decades, I think it great that you are not spending a life living in an emotional, sexual shadow.
btw - I think there is a sexual continuum (sp) but ultimately it is hard wired. I will do a post on this soon.