Grey's Anatomy Reflections

Grey's Anatomy
I'm not sure how much any of you tune in to TV, but we were fortunate enough to start watching since the premiere. On top of being smart, fast-paced & comedically well timed, it's just fun. While it has some of the intense drama-esque scenes that ER was so fond of (and jumped the shark with), it also just makes me laugh. It makes me feel like every place of business should have that kind of personal interaction & humor.

On top of feeling like I'm coming down with something so that I can have "Izzy" check me out, it makes me reflect on my life just a bit... but in a good way.
[This could become a huge post, so I think I'll just start this off with some history of the past few weeks, and I'll continue it as we go along.]

So anyhow, those of you that were able to tune in this past Sunday, know that it was a tough show. And in light of my recent family events, it really brought home how special & tenuous our lives are. I've got an incredible wife (K), who is not only aware of my desires involving other men, but also supports them if I should choose to explore. We couldn't be more blessed with an active & rambunctious 2-year old boy (already?) that keeps us on our toes, and delights us everyday. I've landed with a job that has tremedous potential to be rewarding for the long-term, while providing the positive feedback that I crave.

So, as I'm watching the horrible moment where the young girl has been presented with the news that she most likely won't survive surgery, it made me hold my wife that much closer. I cherish her, and I cherish what we have together. Even when it's hard, and we're arguing. I cherish the time that we've had together. And I cherish what we can still have together. And I'm afraid.

A few weeks ago, we had traveled up to Sedona from Phoenix, a roughly 1 hour and 45 minute drive. We were escorting K's grandparents up there, for their stay in a timeshare owned by K's mom. After getting them there, we figured that it would be a fun day to enjoy the outdoors, and hang out a bit with K's mom & such. Their room had to wait a bit to be prepped, so we went for lunch. Once done, we were on the way back to the timeshare with the grandparents following us, and we had to stop at the bottom of this somewhat steep hill. I rolled to a stop to check for on-coming traffic, leaned forward to look around a vehicle turning left, and my world exploded.

Okay, exploded is a strong term. Needless to say, the grandparents ran into the back of our SUV with their American make & model. I've got to hand it to Hyundai that they make a solid vehicle. Fortunately, my foot never left the brake, so on-coming traffic wasn't a worry, but they hit us with what seemed to be a ton of force. We initially thought that someone had hit them first, that's how hard the impact sounded & felt. No one was harmed other than my neck getting slightly sore, and the trucks came away with scratches. But this is when my tragedy thoughts started.

Anyone that's played sports, knows intimately, and has experienced an adrenaline rush. From small to large, they have particular characteristics, and being as analytical as I am, I've noted how it affects me over the years. In softball/baseball, whenever I pull off a good play, I get tingly at the base of my neck. My body flushes. My heart rate climbs. I'm invincible... almost. Well, I got that same feeling from the "accident". But the tingly sensation occurred about 5 minutes later. After sliently dwelling on it for a while, I realized that it was the adrenaline leaving my system, and it brought me to that place where I consider what could have happened. More importantly, it brings me to that place of feeling prescient.

Now before you think I've got some kind of "God" complex, I don't. This stems from something far deeper in me, and definitely something that I need counseling about. Often times, I don't feel like I deserve what I have. Whether that be my job, consulting, my softball skills, or even my wife. I've had this fear that despite our desire to be together for a long time, and to then pass away at or near the same time (romantic, isn't it?), I don't think we will. And more than in just a "that's so unrealistic" sort of way.

Being the first to go brings the fears of not having done enough for my family, or made enough of a difference in the world. Or achieving something close to financial stability or independence. [Another post could be how I've always wanted to earn enough money to never have it be an issue.] Or just the overwhelming feeling like I failed in doing enough in general. (I told you I had issues, and most of them come from my father... another long post. )

So, I've had this image of late, involving some kind of accident, and I can pretty much see myself experiencing the same adrenaline rush, the same fight or flight reaction, and then a demise involving pain, relief, and sadness.

Am I a freak? Probably not. Just ask my wife what kind of horrific flights of fancy she can go on, from something as simple as a sewing needle. Regardless, this is definitely something I need to explore more. I mean, if I was able to write over 1,000 words on this topic, and still feel like I'm just scratching the surface, there's something bigger lurking.

Something more serious maybe.

Definitely something more personal.