Happiness?

The New Monogamy - Marriage With Benefits
During my (late) lunch, I just read this article that I had printed earlier today. I think the original link came from Viviane's Sex Carnival. Regardless, I have to say that it was extremely interesting.

I liked how the article, by two traditional monogamists, looked at all aspects of alternative lifestyles. They focus on the good & the bad. They give examples of those that succeed, as well as those that failed. And I'm just intrigued.

I have a cousin who is about 10 years my senior, but I haven't talked to him since the one summer during high school. I was visiting for about 4 weeks, which was fun to get out of my hometown for a bit. During my time there, I was a bit amazed at some of the things he talked about, and a willing & eager sponge for knowledge. Let's be honest. I think I was 15 or 16, and a boiling mass of hormones.

Anyway, he had this theory that everyone should have:

• a therapist,


• a sex counselor, and


• a wife.

His rationale was that you had a therapist to work through your mental issues, a sex counselor to basically work out your primal urges, and a wife/partner as your life mate. Now, in addition, he said there would have to be rules in place for this kind of system.

1. You couldn't marry your sex counselor,


2. you couldn't have sex with your therapist, but your wife qualifies for kids, etc., and


3. your wife would have the same arrangement to prevent jealousy in the relationship.

Now, being young & impressionable, but still a naive boy, I was at first shocked. Like the article, my precepts of relationships were being challenged. And also being young & pliable, I quickly saw the practicality in it.

[Divergent but related thought.]

I don't know. I find it disconcerting sometimes that K wonders if she's "normal". What is that really? Who has the definitive Cap'n'Crunch decoder ring of "normal"?

But she wonders because I seem to be on such a high level of arousal, and she's happy where she is. And all I can think is that she's happy. Happy with who she is, and what she believes. Sure, like anyone, she has things she wants to change. But I hang on happy.

And it's me wondering if I'm "normal" because I have these erotic images/movies dance across my mind like a slideshow. Constantly. And I wonder if happy is something I can attain for longer than a fraction of a day. Something I can grasp for more than a moment.

And my fixation on sex, and the fantastical images in my creative eye, are they just extraneous? Filling the void of something deeper. Something more profound. Something more fulfilling to the world. Something more complete for my vision of success.

But then I revel in the experiences of Jefferson and Mark, and feel wholly my own person. Just wanting a bit more sexploration. More diversity.

So where do I find that balance? Where do I embrace that "inner slut", for lack of a better term, but at the same time feel "normal" in my skin, and alongside my wife?

I love her like my next breath, and wouldn't want to jeopardize that. And yet I want to squeeze every ounce that I can out of life. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting it. But at times I feel beholden to responsibility. Almost to a fault. Maybe I'm just trying to chase that ellusive happiness. Am I deluding myself?

Yeah, I diverted quite a bit today. If you stayed with me this long, thank you. If not, I appreciate you stopping by anyway.

I know that somewhere, I can and will find a balance.
Eventually.