Sexually Me

X-mas Stocking Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . Recently, Mark challenged me to make a return to HNT as part of his ongoing campaign to get me to post more often. Of course, I'm usually trying to bare my soul, not my body, in this blog. But 'tis the season, I suppose, and if a half-nekkid picture of me is what Mark is hoping for from Santa this year, who am I to deny him? You'll notice that my stocking is... hung. I'll leave it to your imagination what it will be filled with on Christmas morning... Do you think I was more naughty or nice?

I could give you all many reasons or excuses for my absence. Honestly, I don't have any that are good enough to quell that incessant need in all of us to know "what kept you"? So let's just assume it's water under the bridge & move on. Most of you are aware that I've been going to therapy. And for the little amount that I pay each week, it's amazing the benefit that I'm reaping. I think part of it is due to my willingness to learn & grow. I think another part is that I didn't go into it with any preconceived notions. Mostly, I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about everything . No holding back. Cover the gamut of my sexual issues. Finally try to let some of it all go. So when my birthday passed during Thanksgiving week, and my father didn't so much as call or transmit a "Happy Birthday", I'll be honest that I was pretty crushed. But as I'm wont to do, I didn't talk about it much, and tried to just l...

So despite my absence on the blogging scene, I've been doing well. Okay, well is a relative term, but I've been doing much better than I could have hoped or expected in this juncture of my life. Lately, it's been boosted by a simple medication. But that's for another post. This is more about how even though I'm feeling much better than I could have ever hoped at times, there are pronounced & profound moments where previous guilt & feelings of shame resurface. Making me feel in many ways, lost or wishing that I had made better choices in my life. Choices that wouldn't have hurt some of those that I hold most dear. How or what causes this you might ask? A few words, composed in a lyrical fashion, accompanied by almost haunting melodies, and sung with a level of anguish & raw context that it nearly makes me cry. I can't say that I really knew the name James Blunt before last night. But now that I do, I feel like I'm just starting my j...

I have tons of respect for incredible men like Nate or even Mark , who from my perspective, seem to write about their daily travails with ease. Well, ease is the wrong word, but I only wish I could let the words flow that freely. You already know that I hide. You already know that I sequester myself within my mind. You already know that I have miles of swampy wilderness to navigate. Whenever I start to write a post, I feel that it's very much like removing a vital part of myself. I cut it out, often with a less than sharp instrument, and then toss it unceremoniously upon the examination table. I then dissect it into many tiny pieces, inspecting each, trying to understand how they comprise the whole. And the entire time, I have you looking over my shoulder. And yes, this was of my own choosing, hoping that somehow the process has taught someone, anyone, something. Maybe help them navigate these waters more easily. I can only hope that a Magellan of the mind is charting the...

Throughout therapy, things have been expected of me, like homework if you will. Some of it is to help push me towards understanding. Some of it is to move me out of my comfort zone. Several months ago, after stating that I don't always feel "normal" being bisexual, my therapist mentioned that it might be a good idea to look into finding a support group. I thought it was an interesting idea. And my first instinct was to consider if there were even any groups like that in Phoenix. I mean, it's not like it's San Francisco or something. But it was an interesting idea. The next day, in a moment of Google-itis, I found an answer. Damn you, Google! Just when I figured I wouldn't have to change or grow. And in the top of the search was a link to an Arizona chapter of BiNet . So let's flash forward to the night of the social. I was apprehensive. Nervous. Afraid of meeting "crazy people". Okay. I had no idea of who I would meet there. But I cons...

Yeah, I suck. Or I have. And still would. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about my lack of content here on Sexually Me. And now that I've had an anonymous poster say that, "u really need to update this bad-boy", here I am. Who knew it was that easy? Just needed an anonymous comment... kidding. Anyhow, back to the main point. Yes, I suck. And when I say I've been busy, I wish there were some easy to understand sliding scale displaying just how busy I've been. Let's just say that sleep is my long lost friend, who's been on a long trip to Antarctica. And if I'm lucky, their plane gets back sometime this weekend, and I'll be able to "catch up". Is it as bad as it sounds? Yeah, and possibly worse. Needless to say, I honestly feel like a shell of my former self. There are times that I do something innocuous, like kneel on the floor to pick up some of my son's toys, and the thought crosses my mind to just lie...

For those of you that might have wondered, I'm not dead. At least not totally. As a quick recap, I was incredibly busy two weeks before I left for my "official vacation". You know the drill. "Hey, before you go can you...?" Multiply that by 3 or 4 since the teammate that used to take care of all of those items has been gone for about a month (thank G*d), and he never really did anything that competently anyway. So I therefore have to figure out what he did, how he screwed it up, correct it, and then produce the correct results. To that end, saying that I have been busy is a drastic understatement. So I got all that I could done before leaving on vacation. Then after doing the West to East Coast travel insanity involving 3 planes, an extra 30 minutes in the air due to weather, 2 layovers, one of which was extended by over an hour for more weather, and another that was a rushed 3/4 mile dash from one plane to another, encompassing a grand total of about 10...

Lest you begin to think that this journey is a one person travail, you must know that my wife suffers much as I do, albeit in different ways. Last week was particularly trying... for both of us. In her own honest & insightful perspective, she wrote the following to share the other side of the coin with you. Enjoy. I'm used to being the strong one. The one other people go to when they're experiencing crises. The one they look to for an objective, rational viewpoint. The one who could look Ben in the eye and claim with utter truthfulness that if we couldn't find a way to stay married, I'd still be his best friend. Because I understand. I can see how difficult this is for him and I know he wouldn't have chosen this for us, if the choice was his to make. I'm used to being the strong one. But sometimes the burden of dealing with weighty matters such as these become too much to bear and even the strongest of us break. And that's what happened to me ...

So after I helped K to update her blog template tonight, by chance I clicked on my StatCounter. Now understand, I don't usually check on my stats. Sure, I like to see the little number in my sidebar increment "oh so slowly", but I don't obsess over it. At least not like, ahem, K, ahem. Seriously, she's obsessed. Just about every 3 days, we have a conversation that goes like: Her: chuckle... chuckle some more... chuckle even more, breaking out into a full laugh that now requires me to divert attention from my reading or computer work. Me: What's so funny? Her: Somebody searched for "slut wife text message" (oh yes, that was a real search term) to get to my blog. Me: shaking my head in bemused confusion & returning to my work. So I rarely go to my StatCounter details. I like knowing that people are getting something out of my blog, but I don't care that I have a random consistent reader in Slovenia. Another truth for K's blog. C...

Since I started this blog, along with my journey of self-discovery, I lived with an illusion. The illusion of keeping my mother in the dark. At least until I had the opportunity to tell her in person. You see, my mother & I have a great relationship. As good as I could ever hope for. One in which we actually strongly considered applying for the reality show The Amazing Race . In fact, whenever I visit, I consider it my task to get Mom to flip me off at least once per day. Seriously, it's a very playful & enjoyable relationship. I couldn't be more proud of how we get along. Particularly in light of how horribly my father & I get along. But that's another post. So it was with a naive heart that I thought I could hide this blog & my journey from her. I'm sure you already know the punch line to this post. Essentially the first day that K started her own personal blog (February 14th), I left a comment to it. As many of you know, a very quick &...

So Mark had done this a long time ago, and it seemed fun enough, so I thought I would post it as well just to get back in the groove. I think I've been hiding long enough. Lame? Yes. Better than nothing? Yes. As you'll see, there isn't much on this list that I've actually read, but I could add loads of my own titles if it covered a more fantasy genre. Original Source: History Detective Lifted From: Defending the Raven Instructions: Bold the ones you've read, italicize the ones you might read, cross out the ones you won't, underline the ones on your book shelf, and place (parentheses) around the ones you've never even heard of. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams The Great Gatsby - F.Scott Fitzgerald To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger) (His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Princ...

I wanted to let you all know that I'm here. Things have been a challenge in the last month or so. I'm going through therapy which is leading to incredible insights, but also to tremendous realizations about myself & who I am. All of which can be pretty draining. However, I'm here. I've got some posts in mind that I'm mentally working on, and I just need to get my butt in gear to write them. I might even take a page from Nate , and start hand-writing them. That way I can type them at a moments' notice & get them posted right quick. Stay tuned, and please know that I haven't forgotten you all.

I know that I haven't posted very recently. And it's eating at me. Because I do feel a certain amount of responsibility to you all. To try & force myself to share more of what I'm going through, and therefore help myself along the path of healing & understanding. At the same time, I started this for me, and right now, I'm feeling very vulnerable. In the past few weeks, there have been highs & lows . But mostly lows. And of late, I've been feeling even more lost that usual, and even thinking that a good cry might just help. Help me release some of the build-up. Some of the trapped emotion that I don't let go of very easily. I don't know. I might just sleep it off too. It's hard to say. The primary source for this high-level of emotion, uncertainty & depression? Well, K has been out of town since Tuesday. She returns late Wednesday, so the wait is almost over. But until then, I have too many thoughts. Too many worries. Too many q...

So two Tuesdays ago, I divulged some of my secrets to another party. And amazingly the walls & ceiling didn't collapse upon me. Yet my heart rate was nearly palpitous, and I felt at any minute that the other shoe might drop. Then I'd be sitting there feeling rejected, shunned, and judged. And this is the root of my fear... at least as far as I can tell right now. The person I discussed this with was my therapist, Lisa. We hadn't touched on all of my "issues" yet, but I had alluded to them... many times. I almost waved a banner every time I'd reference the topic, but knew we didn't have time to discuss it. And now that she's real person number five to be aware of my personal challenge, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Rather, I feel fine now , but afterwards, I was spun out. For several days. (And please, my friends, don't be offended, but there's something different to knowing a real live person that I interact with is aware...

So, I've been toying with the idea of writing a guest post for Ben for a while now. I actually started one, and then deleted half of it and started over, and then I got hit with some writers' block. It's still sitting, half-written on my laptop. But then Mark posted, questioning why more wives don't talk about the issues inherent in being married to a bisexual man, and whether he intended it or not, I felt like it was a kick in the ass. So while I obviously can't speak for everyone, I can at least share why I will blog about my kid and my friends and the fun parts of my relationship with my husband, but I won't blog about this. For one, if I talk about it, it means admitting that this is not something that will go away. Obviously, I know that it's not going away, whether I talk about it or not. But putting it out there for everyone to see, so that everyone knows about my private pains, makes it somehow more real. It means that for the time I spend com...

For those of you that haven't seen this touching story as yet, here's a link to Mark's post about it. The circumstances surrounding the event are magical, and truly inspirational. And it's close to my hometown. So it has a more personal aspect for me. So I started thinking about the lives we lead, and as I could feel the tears come to my eyes, I realized that I once had a moment that was similar. I was 11 or 12. I can't remember the year exactly, but the moment itself is permanently etched into my synapses. I was playing baseball during the summer in the town league. It was my 2nd year with this team, after a miserable previous year under a coach that was as clueless as he was unfair. So my view of baseball had been shaded. (One of the few times that's it's happened in my life.) We had been blessed by the league & by the many irritated parents to get a coach that still influences me & who I am. As well as how I play ball. He was a renowne...

Just a quick post to let you all know that as of this evening's post, I have upgraded from the standard blogger comments to HaloScan. It ultimately will give me more control over how they display, along with some other cool features that I've been wanting to muddle with. So never fear. The comments that you had in previous posts are not gone, but just need to be linked back in... which I will be doing slowly in the coming days. But feel free to add a new comment at any time. Cheers!

With the idea in mind of posting more, and divulging more of my varied & eccentric past, I'm going to take a detour into the past. Quite a ways back in fact, to probably one of the most fucked up experiences that I've gone through. Let's warp back to my third year of high school as a Junior. I was newly 17, and sick & tired of not having a girlfriend up to this point in my life. I'd never experienced any kind of lengthy physical contact much less a kiss. And let's face it. I was 17, and ready to jump anything that moved... or stayed still for that matter. Irregardless, I did have standards, and I desperately wanted to shake off the "nerd" stereotype that I was labeled with throughout my academic career. (I thoroughly shook off that label once in college, but that's another post of hilarity.) Now, for perspective, my high school was small. When I mean small, I mean that the entire building would probably fit inside a Super Target, or a d...

Showered Affection Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . For all of my devoted fans, readers... you people. I know that the thought of me sudsing up sent several of you into a "lather". So this is for those of you that would like to "foam" at the mouth. Once again, another great photo from my favorite photographer. Although, she didn't get the detail that I'm sure all of you would have preferred. Just remember that you need to pay the big dollars for that. After all, I'm not cheap... at least not regularly. Regardless, I "wash my hands" of the process since I'm merely the subject. HHNT!

My Head Hurts Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . Okay, it didn't really hurt, but it seemed like a suitable caption. And now for my apology... My dear friends, I'm sorry that I've neglected you to such ginormous proportions. I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, and frazzled to the bone. Whenever I've been on my laptop, it's entailed deep involvement in a myriad of projects or staring blankly at the screen, trying to remember where I left my carton of cupcakes. Needless to say, it hasn't been intentional, just an oversight due to an almost overwhelming volume of tasks. However, I've started counseling, and it just changed to every week, so I expect to have tons of material that will be dredged out of my forgotten past & damaged psyche. So please stay tuned, as the insanity will continue, if not intensify. Take care!

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my adorable wife to finish her blog reading & internet surfing. I think my exact request was, "If we're going to watch a movie together, I'd like you to put away your computer so that we can spend time together ." Funny how things can go full circle, when I'm typically the computer geek, solidly attached to my laptop by the surface tension gravitational force of my finger pads resting against the keys. I'll admit it. Now that she's blogging, I've created a monster. But all-in-all, it's a good thing. Outside of that though, I'm being driven slowly insane by this sweet, adorable, and almost too hard to resist voice down our hallway intermittently yelling out "Dayee, Dayee!" (Yes, he can't quite enunciate the second set of D's in my "name", but for crying out loud, he's two. Cut him a break.) Anyway, he should be asleep by now, since he was put to bed over an hour ago...

Ass Watch Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . Does anyone have the time? Oh wait, nevermind. I'm good. HHNT!

I alluded to this post earlier in the week, and you'll find it below. I drafted this on the evening that I gave K a very personal note relating to the situation that I put us in. As I was waiting for her to wake from a nap, and read it, my mind wandered into this topic, which I've visited many times internally. I'm going to include the writing as it came from my notepad (grammatical & spelling errors corrected of course), and then I'll comment on some of it. I realized as I was typing it up that the statements aren't wholly true, or that my reactions to them are different now. Of all of my posts thus far, I think this is the first that is starting a conversation in which I'd love to hear others' opinions. Enjoy, and please feel free to comment. Somewhere, we're exposed to the fact that men think about sex every 2.5 seconds. Or maybe it's 5.5 or 6.5? Who knows? I know that I fit whatever metric very well. And some days, that is an averag...

Back Originally uploaded by Ben aka "lightnyn" . Yes, I missed last week. The usual culprits being: tired, busy, etc. However, the real reason is that the photo vault is getting low. I have thusly scheduled a meeting with my famous photographer, K, to take some more. Probably while I'm sudsing myself up in the shower. Heh. I think I just heard a collective moan. Stay tuned, and I'm getting "back" to my regular posts as well. (What can I say? I couldn't resist.) HHNT!

So I'm sitting here on the bus, on my way into work, and I find myself lacking in anything of real importance to say. I was talking with K about this very thing just last night. I feel like I should have tons to say, to write, to express. But what exactly is causing it escapes me. I think that it's a combination of exhaustion, irritability towards work (they had me change my schedule... again), and just a general ennui towards things. I wish I knew what it was. I wish I had some kind of amazing revelation to extol upon you. I don't. I mean, yes, there are a few topics running through my head that I could start typing, but at the same time, I'm not even sure where the conversation would go. And although I'd love to just type & see what kind of insanity might pour through my fingers, I feel that I would be doing a disservice to you. Then again, maybe not. Although, I remember now that I have a stream-of-consciousness essay from the day or so after my pro...

Armed with Glasses Originally uploaded by lightnyn . Hey there! I'm K, and I will be introducing Ben's HNT photo for the day. I have to apologize, first of all, for the quality of the picture, as I was the photographer. In my defense, it was late at night, the lighting in our bedroom is not great, and it is exceptionally difficult to concentrate when you've got a sexy-as-hell naked man in your bed. Still, when you have a great subject, you can overcome anything. And I have a great subject. Ben has the greatest arms....strong, great shape, smooth in some places, rough in others, and they, of course, are the best when wrapped around me. But what I particularly liked about this shot was how he was holding his glasses. He tried contact lenses for a while, but there's something about those glasses that give him this studious, and almost mysterious, look...like there's hidden depths there that you can only dream about. Call me biased, but I swear I'm m...

For those of my more astute readers, you probably noticed a large gap in my recent blogging during the months of November & December. The truth is, I was dealing with fallout. Fallout from having sex. Sex with a man. While my wife was out of town. And no, she didn't know beforehand. A part of me hurts so deeply to put those words in print. To admit my selfishness, and brashness. To put all that K & I have together at risk. To know that I might have damaged what I already cherish, to a point that may never be recovered. But I hold out hope that it will recover. We're working towards understanding. Dealing with the possibilities of compromise. Striving for forgiveness. And holding honesty aloft like a radio. Thank you, Lloyd . And for those of you who may ask it. No, I'm not gay. But I can honestly say that I'm truly bisexual. Both sexes hold appeal for me, and in different ways, for different reasons. There you have it. And now, I do believe that part of m...

I wanted to give my site an update. Something to reflect my individuality. Something more "me". Plus, it gave my uber-geeky side a reason to play around in template modification. But mostly, I wanted something that was unique in the blogosphere (does anyone else shudder at that word?), and that made me feel warm & cozy. I hope you like it, and if not, I won't lose too much sleep over it. Enjoy, and more serious & intense posts to follow in the coming days.

It days like this, when I'm feeling great & think that I'm getting a lot accomplished, when something like this , will grab ahold and shake the ever loving be-jebus out of me. I too, have shared in some of the feelings of finality. Thinking about my life drip away, as I watch the stain grow on the carpet. Or sliding into the peaceful slumber of the last deep sleep. And when those thoughts arrive, I pull myself back from the brink, shake myself awake, and hurt more for the loss that I would inflict on those I love, more than alleviate the hurt that I feel. Reading about the trials & tribulations of others, bubbles up the pain that I know is lurking just beneath the surface. That emotion that's tightly held in check. For if the beast is let out of the cage, I fear that it will enjoy it's freedom too much. Needless to say, work isn't the best place for this kind of "awakening". So I sit here, and hold it back. And I know it's going to be wo...

Your Stripper Song Your Stipper Song Is Master and Servant by Depeche Mode "There's a new game We like to play you see A game with added reality You treat me like a dog Get me down on my knees" Yawn, dancing is so boring without a little spice.

It's been recently pointed out by Mark that I haven't or don't share very much of myself on here. And I can't deny it. Having lived a life of hiding, a seemingly long life sometimes, it's become second nature. Even when my intent is to share myself, and expose some of the inner-me that needs exploring, I haven't. Or won't. So here it is. I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop hiding. To stop the "filter" if you will, of my thoughts. Well, okay, I'll never totally stop the filter because I like to think about what I will say or post first, but I'll try to limit the internal censorship that occurs. And by telling this to you all, it will lift my level of accountability, honesty, to that in which I feel obligated , no willing to share more of who I am. That was the point of all of this anyway, right?

Arms in Bed Originally uploaded by lightnyn . Once again, here I am. I'll leave it up to your active imaginations on whether or not I'm fully nekkid. :D [And I also apologize for the quality of the shot. It was done in low-lighting conditions, and it was the best I could do on short notice to ligthen it.]

So, you may ask, where the fuck have I been? Well, I've been here, but at a point in time that is so absolutely chaotic & crazy that I barely have time to enjoy the little sleep I'm able to get. Let alone feel like I'm getting enough done to feel "productive". In the last 2 evenings, I've averaged, averaged , 4 1/4 hours of sleep. Healthy? No. Desired? Fuck NO! occurred? *sigh* Yes. Some of you may know, or some of you don't. I have a regular job, like the majority of us, that pays the bills and keeps things running in the life of my family. But I'm also a consultant. A computer consultant, with a bit of programming thrown in. But sadly, the part that I love to get my hands in, programming, becomes a bit lost in the minutiae of other tasks in consulting. Regardless, I've had 3 projects in such a state of priority, that sleep has become a rare commodity, and in the last few weeks, if I'm not working, I tend to feel guilty. So even ...

Legs Originally uploaded by lightnyn . Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? And if last week's post was any indication of my own deliciousness, this should whet all of your appetites even more. Seriously, I'm still a bit baffled by how much praise I received for last week. I honestly didn't think the photo was all that hot. But then again, I tend to think that about most of my own photos. I'll just have to rely on my wife's affirmation that they are. Psst, thank you, Love!

It's not often that you can come across words that evoke intense emotions, much less ones that can reach the heart. Whether you are actually in tune with the sentiment, or it just has such a fluidity or artful prose As I read & continue to find incredibly heartfelt content on the web, particularly in our related blogosphere, I find my own feelings laid bare. Exposed to the elements & raw with emotion. cp - Coming Out at 48 ...sometimes a man has too much in his heart to keep in any longer. And sometimes a man needs to see the effect of what is in his heart on others, as a way to maintain his own sanity and balance, not to mention the sustenance that comes from another's knowledge, care and empathy. I like to think that this is one of the reasons that I started this blog. Sure, I'll admit that there is a perverse form of pleasure derived in knowing that people are reading my content, and having the illusion that some of them are taking away something of value. At ...

No, it's not terribly thrilling, as I had only five HNT posts of last year. Now, if you take into account the fact that I only started posting on October 28th, and I didn't learn of HNT until November... then maybe I can be absolved of shame. Only time will tell. Entry One - Right Arm Entry Two - Left Hand & Cell Phone Entry Three - Vertical Leg Entry Four - B&W Boxer Briefs Entry Five - Right Arm & Shoulder

Thorso Originally uploaded by lightnyn . Thigh & torso. Makes sense right? Anyhow, it's a New Year, and therefore a new series of HNT posts. And to wrap up the few from last year, I'll be sure to include an archive message to make finding them easier, although it's not like I had so many that they're hard to find. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think.

So I'm sure that some of you have wondered, "How serious is this guy about being bisexual?" To be honest, looking objectively at the content, it certainly doesn't smack of anything remotely bisexual, other than references to articles, and my own alleged longings for both sides of the coin. Today, I shall put these questions to rest. Why? Because I want to. And because I have such an amazing time that the only way to complete the feelings of yearning & fulfillment is to share. In light of Raven's article , I thought I would post something similar, but definitely something with more content. Just as I was getting ready for the "juicy part", he wrapped up & posted. What can I say? I'm a slut for details. So here are my details. Enjoy. For years now, we've had a fun toy. I bought it for K, after she goaded me to, because I wanted her to use it on me. At the time, it was my primary fantasy. One that led me to where I currently am. ...